Talking to Parents on Suicide Prevention

Sometimes the behaviour of adolescents escalates to more serious or at risk behaviours, such as:

• Severe weight gain/loss
• Dramatic changes in school/work performance
• Being accident prone
• Sleeplessness/oversleeping
• Aggressiveness
• Hyperactivity
• Avoidance of touch- may include self touch avoidance e.g. not washing
• Unable to receive compliments or positive reinforcement
• Overwhelming guilt, shame or self hate
• Sudden change from depressed or agitated to calm
• Talk of death or suicide or killing someone
• Severe physical or emotional isolation/withdrawal from family and friends
• Taking up or changing usage patterns of alcohol and other drugs
• Homelessness, repeated trouble with the law
• Sudden loss of interest in prized possessions, interests, hobbies
• Deep prolonged grief over a loss – death, parting, break-up that is not expressed or shared
• Self harming or attempting suicide

These signs of depression do not spell out that the young person will suicide, but they serve to warn you that your child may be in distress and may need help. Each sign is valid separately. At these times it is essential to seek outside help.

Different Ways of Coping
There is no single profile of a suicidal person as each of us is different and young people handle changes in many ways. What is clear is that there is no ‘typical’ suicidal personality. These are some of the patterns we have noticed at The Samaritans – and there are many variations of these themes.

Withdrawn
Some youth may choose solitude and isolation; becoming sullen and ‘prickly’. They make it very difficult to receive love from their parents and may withdraw from the family.

Rebellious
Other young people may feel their depression as boredom and ‘act it out’; becoming rebellious and taking risks. They may get into trouble with other forms of authority such as teachers or the law.

Performers
Some will concentrate their energy into ‘performing’, working so hard to gain approval and attention by dedicating their time to schoolwork, sport, and special interests. Sadly, they are not noticed for who they are but for what they achieve.

Helpers
Others are so busy taking care of the family problems and helping out everyone else that they neglect themselves.

Alienated
Many depressed young people believe that they are ‘odd’, strange, alien, inferior - believing they are fat, thin, ugly, malformed. These people may feel ashamed and alone.

Smiling depressive
Some young people may appear to brush everything off by laughing and joking to avoid their pain. Only through maintaining open communication can their underlying feelings become apparent.

Things that may keep your child from asking for help

• Pride – “I’m tough I don’t need anybody”.
• Fear of judgement- “They will think I’m bad”
• Feeling ashamed- “I’m ashamed of myself” or “what I have done”
• Feeling that they don’t deserve being cared about - that they are not important enough
• Not giving anything away about themselves
• Hoping someone will read their mind and they won’t need to ask for help.   

What can be done?

Parents of depressed and suicidal teenagers often ask what they can do to help:

• The important thing is to pay attention.
• Encourage them to talk.
• Listen- be on their side and keep lines of communication open.
• Tell them that you love them and that you care- be honest.
• Don’t judge them.
• Don’t put them down
• Don’t interrupt- give them time to finish even if you don’t agree.
• Encourage them to express their emotions- it’s ok if they cry or display anger
• Don’t give advice- encourage them to explore their options when they have finished expressing their feelings.
• Give them time and space to talk- don’t rush them.
• Ask open ended questions:

• Can you tell me how you’re feeling?
• What is playing on your mind?
• What needs to change for you to make you want to live?
• What has happened to make you feel this way?

It is safe to ask someone respectfully if they are thinking of suicide. Being clear and direct is important. Saying “you aren’t thinking of doing something silly?” is a negative judgement that discourages openness.

It can be quite a relief to be able to talk about suicidal thoughts. Asking respectfully, “are you feeling so upset that you are thinking of killing yourself ?” and giving them the space to answer is safer for both of you.

If they say ‘yes’- you need to ask-

• If they had made plans and what those plans are (e.g. when, where and how)?
• Have they got the means to suicide? (Have they got access to what they are planning to use?)

This will give a picture of when the suicide is planned. Get outside help. Don’t give them the idea that this is so shameful we shouldn’t tell anyone. There are many trained professional who can provide assistance. Going it alone is dangerous and limiting- don’t leave a very suicidal person alone- GET HELP!

If you break a leg, you get help. The same applies to suicide and depression- we waste too much time blaming. Compassion, support and professional attention will help- blaming will not.

A full booklet – “Talking to Parents on Suicide ” is available for order.